K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
