Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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