K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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