I met the friendliest cop last night
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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