the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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