Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
