I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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