You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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