Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
