like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Even my vagina gasped.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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