closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
