Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
