I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
