I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
