It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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