doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
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He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
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Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize