How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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