She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
