I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
