Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
