Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
