How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
