You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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