In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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