the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
