Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
