The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I have demons in me.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
