I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
