She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
