I wish I could teleport
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
