he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
