Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
