So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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