we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
