God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
