To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
