i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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