Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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