oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
