This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
