I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
