I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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