You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
