he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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