It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
