No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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