we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
