What did we do last night that was yellow?
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
