i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
