I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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