well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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