We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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