omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
