once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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