3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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