I hope mine doesn't look like that
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
