I haven't been this sober since birth.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
