I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
