They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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