You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
