I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
