my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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