Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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