I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
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