does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
31 People Admit To Nasty Things They Do On The Reg
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
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Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.