I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave